Regret
by LawlietLover7
Summary: It's been one day since Kira won and L lost and now Light begins to feel the pain as he realizes what he lost. An LxLight Oneshot. Yaoi. Rated T. Warning: SPOILERS!


It was all in slow motion.

L, the world's greatest detective, falling before me…before God.

I watched as that metal spoon slipped from his thin fingers and onto the cold floor. His whole body was tilting to the left until he was making a destination to hit the floor. But no…despite the fact that he is my enemy; I cannot let him fall to the floor and die. I want to see it…I want to see the life fade from those giant black orbs that constantly watched me.

I rushed forward; my knees hit the hard floor as I caught L's frail body in my arms. He was stiff and it was awkward while I held him. Yet…it strangely felt good to hold him. Despite his approaching end, his body was still warm to the touch.

_At last…_

I looked down into his eyes and saw the gleam of life fading from them. His lips were parted, as if he were about to say something. I've never really been this close to him before, but I could smell the sweet scent of cake wafting off of his clothing. The man was literally made up of nothing but sweets. But that scent would be soon buried six feet beneath the ground…and that was what I always wanted. I could now finally be God of my own world. I have conquered L…the world's greatest detective. He has fallen before me, and now I stand victorious over his body.

Slowly a smile claimed my lips, tugging at the corners until they were pulled up into a smile. It was a smile full of victory, of glory, of triumph. And L saw it. I watched it reflected in those pools of ebony. My smile…the face of a victor, it was all reflected back to me in those eyes.

Slowly those eyes were being covered as his eyelids closed. Like blankets being pulled over the night sky, his eyes closed until he looked as though he were sleeping. It was strange to see him with such a peaceful expression seeing as he was such an insomniac. But…then I felt his body become limp in my arms. Too soon I felt the warmth fade away and be replaced with a cold drop in temperature.

That mind…that brilliant mind that once matched mine…was gone. Just like that, L was no more.

This was what I wanted…right?

Wrong.

This was not what I wanted…and now it is over.

The game is over. I had won.

…but strangely…I felt as if I had lost.

* * *

_1 day after L's death_

"Light, are you sure you're going to be alright? You really took Ryuzaki's death pretty badly…"

The task force headquarters was now empty. All who remained was my dad and I. Everyone else had gone home after such a tragedy the day before. They all pretended like L's death was just a sad event that they could move on from.

But I knew better.

They all were hurting deep down…and so was I.

My face was buried in my hands as I refused to look up at my father. We both sat on a couch in the main room of the building. It was the same room that L had died in just the day before. It was the same room that I had won the seemingly never-ending game between that genius and I. My dad was watching me with sad eyes as we both allowed silence to come between us. I was certain he was remembering my reaction to L's death. My scream…my panicking state of mind as I tried to get L to snap out of it. The minute I knew that he was gone…was the exact minute I began to feel the regret building up inside of me. L was my match, my equal…my friend. And how did I return his friendship? By killing him.

After a while of the suffocating silence, I lifted my face up slightly so my hands were cupping around my mouth and chin. I spoke to my dad through my fingers.

"I…I think I need some time alone dad…" I said quietly.

"Are you sure? I mean, you're comfortable with staying here alone after everything?" he asked, his tone was full of uncertainty.

I nodded wordlessly and he sighed while standing up. I listened to the rustling of fabric as he moved up off of the couch and he turned to look down at me.

"Alright then. I understand that this is taking a great toll on you. After all, Ryuzaki was rather close to you despite him always labeling you as Kira. I'll go home then and lock this place up for the evening. I'll be back tomorrow morning to see how you're doing alright?"

I nodded silently again and listened to his footsteps clatter across the metal flooring. Once the elevator doors closed and I listened to it descend down floors, I lifted my face up from my hands. The place was silent except for the low humming of the electric lights. It felt…empty. Without the sounds of constant tapping of fingers on a keyboard or the steady sip from a cup of coffee, the place felt cold. A couple times my ears perked at what I thought was the sound of bare feet walking across the cold tile flooring. I could even swear I heard the sounds of a fork clinking against a porcelain plate as a certain raven haired man ate a slice of cake.

Before long I had had enough of my ears playing tricks on me. I stood up from the couch and walked over to the computers. Eerily enough L's little panda crackers and small bowl of melted strawberry ice cream was still placed in front of his computer. His chair was returned to stand back up but it was tilted slightly; some bolts had come loose from it falling over with L.

I gripped the back of the chair; it wobbled slightly at my touch. My eyes trailed over the little panda crackers. One was missing its head…more than likely L had bitten off that head. I swallowed against a tight throat and glanced around the empty floor. I didn't understand it, but I felt like I was being watched. My mind briefly flashed back to when L had set up cameras in my room to monitor me while I was under the suspicion of being Kira. My grip on the back of the chair tightened as I clenched my teeth.

_Dammit!_ I thought with frustration. _Why was everything reminding me of him!?_

I closed my eyes tightly, brushing away any thoughts concerning that sweet loving insomniac. When I reopened them, I returned my gaze back to the little panda crackers. I reached over and gently picked up the half eaten one and looked down at it. I ran my thumb over it, some crumbs falling to the floor from it as I did this. My index finger lifted and ran over the rough, uneven edge of the panda's neck, right where L's teeth would've sliced through.

I glanced around the empty floor once more, my senses constantly alerting me as if I were being watched. I sighed and tossed the panda cracker back onto the desk. It was airborne until it hit the black mouse on the mouse pad. Almost as soon as the panda cracker hit the mouse I heard the computer begin running. It seemed it was merely in sleep mode.

It took a while for anything to pop up on the screen. Eventually black faded and turned to light blue with a white box in the center with words written on it.

_One message for Light Yagami._

My amber eyes widened when I saw that it was for me. But…why? Who was it from? Was this some sort of sick joke? If so, then I would bring that person to justice with the pages of my-! Of my…

My eyelids lowered as I looked down at the panda crackers again. Would I use that murder weapon again even after knowing that it erased the life of my only friend? _Could_ I even use it? I sighed and removed those troublesome thoughts from my head as well and returned my attention back to the computer screen. With a slightly trembling hand, I reached over and touched the computer mouse. The small white arrow moved across the screen until it reached the button that read 'open message.' I took a deep breath and clicked on it.

A new window opened and it was a blank white screen with a large black calligraphic letter on it. The letter L. My eyes widened as I soon heard a voice. It was his voice…and it was speaking to me. There was no distortion of his smooth, baritone voice. It was simply his, pure and simple.

"Hello Light. By the time you are reading this, I am most likely dead. I'm not surprised though. After all, I knew what I was getting myself into when I started this case. Do not think that this was a surprise to me that I died. I knew all along I was going to die. Then again everyone dies, we just never know when."

Inwardly I smiled at this. Classic L…

"I know that you are Kira. I've always known. Ever since the day I first heard about you I've known. Sure, you repeatedly told me that you are not Kira. To be honest I am very tired of that lie. It was very overdone, Light. We both knew the truth all along and yet we both lied to each other. I lied to you by saying that I was not suspicious of you while you lied to me saying you were not Kira.

"In truth, we are like children, always wanting to win in the end. We are both selfish, constantly trying to obtain our desires without sparing a second thought about anyone else. That was just one of the many things we had in common and made us more alike. But our ideas of justice were…very different. Our game was fun while it lasted. You proved to be a very good opponent while it lasted. There were times when I was a step ahead of you and times when you bested me. To be honest, I actually enjoyed this game between you and I. For the first time in my life my mind was truly challenged. I had to often think things through, to make sense of your actions. But in the end, you won. I am not surprised that you won however. I was really at fault for my death, not you. Do you know why I blame myself? Very well, I'll tell you.

It's because I loved you, Light."

My lips parted and my heart skipped a beat in my chest. For a second I thought I was expressing a heart attack. But I knew that that was ridiculous. I was Kira…I was the one who caused such things to happen to those who deserved it. But…the surprise and shock from hearing L speak those words was evident on my face. L loved me…he…

"I am sure you are very shocked to hear this. Truthfully I am surprised myself that I have the courage to say this. But I figured that if I am to die, then I would at least like for you to know of my feelings. Now I suppose you're wondering why I never told you this before my death. Of course I would completely understand if you are no longer listening to this and have shut this message down. I would not blame you for being disgusted at hearing these words come from such a strange person such as I. Anyways back to my explanation. I knew you would never return my feelings. You would never feel the same way about me as I did for you. But secretly, I always loved you. When we were handcuffed together, I was the happiest man alive. I was not only handcuffed to the one man who I called a friend, but also the man who captured my heart. Your intellect and deduction skills impressed me. You stood out to me more than anyone ever had before in my life. I said I was going to kill Kira once I found him and I would've too. But when I realized that you were in fact Kira, I stopped myself. I asked myself how I could possibly kill the one I love. How would that make me happy?

"I never was going to kill you Light. Even if the other task force members found out you were Kira I would've protected you. I would've taken you and just hid you away until the fire died down. But of course, you probably wouldn't like that. You'd want to continue being the god of your new world. Although I highly disapprove of your perspective of what justice is, I cannot help but admire your determination. You have such high goals set in your life…I greatly admire your desire and perseverance to accomplish those goals.

"So now you've won Light. In the end, I lost. I regret never telling you my true feelings. I regret never just building up the courage to tell you that I love you. But I know that even if I did that, you would never accept it. After watching you with Misa Amane I understood that you were never interested in love. You were so blinded by your desire of becoming the god of your new world that you never once stole a second glance at the idea of love. That is why I never told you of my feelings, because I knew just how blind you were.

"Even now as I lay dead and you standing victorious over my body, just know that I loved you. And my love for you will never die…it is eternal.

"It was a good game, Light. Too bad we could not have played a little longer.

"From one brilliant mind to another, L Lawliet"

The screen went black as soon as the message was finished. The computer shut down and I was left to stand there, staring at the screen with the expression of shock still on my face. My mind was blank; any trace of thought was erased after hearing L's message.

"Y-You _loved me?_" I asked the computer screen incredulously.

My whole body shook as I struggled to support myself against the counter. L loved me. He always loved me. He even said his real name at the end of the message! He loved me all along and I…I killed him.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!?" I screamed at the computer, my voice echoed loudly in the room.

Tears welled up in my light brown eyes. My throat was tight and constricted as I tried to prevent that hot salty liquid from falling. But eventually I lost in the battle for self-composure and the hot liquid streamed down my cheeks and dripped onto the black keyboard below me. Before long my legs gave out and I crumpled to the floor, sobbing relentlessly.

"I loved you too, L. Damn it why must you always be right even after you die!? Why didn't you just tell me? Why didn't you…?"

My voice faltered and I broke down into choked out sobs. I couldn't speak…I couldn't think. All I could do was cry. I couldn't really remember the last time I cried this much…it certainly had been a while. The hands of the clock in the room slowly revolved around until it had been hours since I first collapsed down on the floor. But by then the tears had stopped and all I did was stare with an empty expression at the floor below me. My gaze traveled across the tiled flooring until it rested on a small metal spoon. My dry, chapped lips parted in surprise as I realized it was L's spoon…the spoon he had dropped as he fell down.

My jaw hardened as I tore my eyes from the small silver spoon and stood up, my chest feeling as though it held bricks inside of it. My legs wobbled slightly and felt like rubber from sitting for so long. But I ignored my unsteady balance and numbly walked up the glass staircase towards the door at the end of the hallway. As I approached it, I felt a voice speak in my head.

_No Light…don't go through that door. You know you won't be able to handle it…_my mind warned me. But my body had a mind of its own and continued walking towards the door. I reached out a shaking hand and turned the handle. I pushed the door open and it creaked at its hinges as it swung open to reveal L's bedroom. I walked inside and stood there by the door, staring at the room before me. It was just as it was when I was handcuffed to L. Everything was still in its place. Even L's dirty white shirts and jeans still littered the floor. I remembered always getting angry at L for never picking up after himself. He was always so busy on his laptop, solving cases left and right that he hardly ever thought about hygiene and cleanliness.

My gaze moved from the dirty laundry on the floor to the bed which was still unmade. It looked like L had just slept in the bed moments before I walked in. I briefly wondered if the sheets were still warm from his body.

"L…" I croaked in a hoarse voice.

I walked over to the bed and threw myself down on the messy sheets. Instantly L's scent filled my nostrils putting my mind at ease. But not before another rush of tears spilled over, staining the ivory satin sheets. I grabbed fistfuls of the sheets as my body convulsed with tears once more. L's scent of strawberries and sugar comforted me like a little kid with his baby blanket.

"Why did I kill you?" I asked through my tears. "Why was I so _stupid?_"

How long I lay on that bed, I was not sure. All I knew was that the ivory sheets soon dissolved into darkness…

I was sitting outside beneath a tree. It was large and casted shade over me, blocking the bright sunshine from beating down on me. A light summery breeze blew past me, ruffling a few strands of my hair as it passed. I looked down and saw that I wore a simple white button down shirt and tan slacks. My attention was snapped away from my clothes when I heard the sound of children laughing. I blinked and looked up to see a group of little kids playing soccer on a lush green lawn. Their faces were full of laughter and happiness but at the same time they had certain darkness to them…like each of them was hiding a dark secret about their pasts.

I didn't understand this until I looked over at the large building looming in front of me, not far from where I sat. It was two stories tall and very large. My gaze continued to roam over its size until I saw a tall black wrought iron sign at the very front of the property.

Wammy's Orphanage

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion at this. I never knew such a place existed…which begged the question of how I could dream of a place that I had never even knew existed?

"Light?"

My heart stopped in my chest when I heard my name called. I knew that voice…it was all too familiar to my ears for me to forget. I whipped my head around and saw a raven haired man standing a few feet away from me. He was slouched over, wearing a simple long sleeved white shirt and baggy jeans. He looked at me with ebony eyes, dark circles hung beneath them showing that he hardly ever got any sleep.

I began to stand up but he shook his head and walked over towards me. I watched with wide eyes as he knelt down and sat in his usual position with his knees pulled up to his chest and his hands resting on the top of his legs. A pale thumb was brought up to his lips as he looked at me, those eyes never ceasing to watch me, as though studying me.

I swallowed and spoke in a slightly faint voice. "L?" I asked.

He did not respond or even show any expression on his emotionless face. He simply continued to stare at me with those wide eyes. I sighed and eventually had to look away and gestured to the building.

"Where are we?" I asked him.

Finally he answered me. "Wammy's Orphanage, home for the most gifted of children," he said in a monotone voice.

I quirked an eyebrow at this. Home for gifted children…?

"I grew up here," L explained, as if reading my mind. "This was my home for a very long time."

I adjusted my jaw and looked back over at him to see him no longer staring at me. Instead he was steadily watching the kids play their game of soccer nearby. He seemed mildly interested but still very distant.

"I-I thought you were dead," I said, my voice shook slightly. "I killed you…"

L didn't turn back to look at me but continued to keep his gaze focused on the children. "I know that already, Light. There is no use in telling me something I already know."

I blinked while staring at him in surprise. How could he sound so…_calm_ while saying that!? He knows that I killed him and yet he doesn't sound upset at all towards me! No ounce of wanting revenge in any way. I felt my hands clench tightly into fists as my jaw tightened.

"How can you be so calm knowing that?" I asked him through gritted teeth. Honestly, I'd rather have him be kicking me in the face with his foot rather than staying so calm and relaxed.

He finally looked back over at me, another warm breeze rushed past us, ruffling his thick locks of black hair with it.

"Calm?" He repeated slowly and seemed to mull things over in his head. Before long he looked away. "Yes I suppose I am rather calm at the moment…"

"Ryuzaki!" I growled.

"That is not my name, Light."

I paused as I realized what he meant. "I'm not going to say your name out loud," I snarled. I had no idea why I was so angry with him but I was…and I couldn't stop it.

"Why not?"

I pressed my lips together tightly before speaking. "Because it's your secret! It always was your secret! You keep your name unknown to the world so you can remain unknown! It is your greatest defense against me…against Kira!" I said rather loudly.

L turned his head slightly to look at me out of the corner of his eyes. "You need to fix your grammar, Light. You should use past-tense when speaking about me," he remarked.

I growled in frustration and wrapped my arms around my legs, pulling them close to my chest like L. I let my head drop towards my lap as my hands gripped at locks of my light brown hair. I couldn't stand it! I couldn't stand how L was being so…so…

"Grief and regret do not suit you, Light."

My eyes were wide and staring as I listened to him speak. But then I sighed and hunched my shoulders slightly. "But I'm not grieving…I shouldn't be…" It was true. I should be celebrating my victory. I won. L was defeated and I had won. But this place…L was right next to me and seemed very much alive. But I killed him…didn't I?

"Yes you killed me, Light. Believe me, I am very much dead. As for why you are here, I cannot answer. My only guess is that you wanted so desperately to see me, your mind has depicted this dream giving us the chance to speak."

"But how can I dream of this place when I have never once stepped foot here before in real life!?" I asked him.

"That would be my doing. I guess a little bit of me still remains in that cold headquarters building…But it won't last long so you can continue with building your perfect world as soon as you wake up."

I lifted my head to look at L. He was now facing me completely, his whole body turned towards me. His thumb moved across his lower lip, massaging it while he watched me closely.

"But I don't want to be Kira anymore…" I spoke those words before even really thinking. Did I really believe that? Did I really not want to be Kira anymore?

L sighed. "Don't say such nonsense, Light. We both know you will continue with your reign as what did you call it? 'God of the new world.'"

I flinched at how right he was and bit my lower lip, looking away. "I don't want it though…I want…" I stopped speaking as I tried to think of how best to say it.

"What is it you truly want, Light?" L asked. He sounded genuinely curious.

I swallowed and my gaze met his once more. "I want you…" I half whispered.

L's eyes widened slightly as he looked at me. For the longest time we stayed locked in each other's gaze. Finally he spoke.

"You got my message…" he said softly. I noticed that his thumb was no longer moving across his lip.

I nodded and another breeze blew past us.

"Yes I did…" I said quietly and after a moment of hesitation, I reached over and grabbed the hand that was at his lips. As soon as I took hold of it I felt how warm he was. He was so warm that I suddenly felt very cold. I felt as though I needed him to embrace me…to warm my cold, empty body. My eyes never left his however as I spoke. "I wish you told me…I would've returned your feelings."

"No you wouldn't have. We both know that, Light."

Once again I flinched at how right L was. Why was he always right? I sighed and looked down at our hands. Carefully, I intertwined my fingers with his, relishing in the warmth of his skin. L didn't pull his hand away or even make any attempt at escaping my advances. Instead he just continued to watch me, his steady gaze now somewhat softer. Slowly, I lifted up our entwined hands and brought the back of his up to my lips. He didn't pull away from me as I gently pressed my lips on his warm skin.

When I lowered our hands back down, I looked back up at L only to find his face much closer to mine. His eyes were like mirrors, reflecting me perfectly in them. I could see how I looked now and was very shocked at how pale I was. I looked…dead. Strange considering how lively L looked when in real life it was the other way around…or was it?

My eyes lowered to those pale lips and his did the same to look at mine. We gravitated towards each other until our lips were centimeters apart. I could taste his breath on my tongue and it was strawberries. I never loved a scent more than the smell of strawberries. It was so sweet and comforting…it soothed my very soul.

"You do realize that this is not real…right Light?" L breathed, his hot breath ghosting over my face.

I nodded and licked my dry lips. "I don't care," I said softly.

I closed the gap between us, unwilling to wait any longer.

In my lifetime, I have shared many kisses. Some kisses were just on the cheek and that was for my mother and little sister. But others were half-heartedly on the lips for foolish teenage girls who thought they had a chance with me. This kiss however…it put every other kiss I'd experienced in the shadows. It was deep and filled with as much passion as I could put into it. L kissed me back but his lips were hesitant, uncertain of what to do. I wanted to show L how much I loved him. I wanted this kiss to last forever. I wanted to just freeze time and never have to say goodbye to this precious moment.

How I wished we could've done this a long time ago! Maybe things would've been different…perhaps L wouldn't actually be dead and I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life living with the regret of killing him. If only we had acted upon our feelings sooner…if only…

"Mm, Light…" L breathed my name as my lips moved down to his jaw. His eyes closed as he tilted his head back slightly, exposing his slender neck. I reached up and placed my hands on his thin shoulders, gently pushing him backwards until his sitting position was undone and he was forced to lay down normally on the ground. I straddled him and continued to place kisses onto every inch of his skin. My lips worked their way up back up to his lips and we lip locked once more. The second kiss was fiercer and filled with much more desire.

I felt L grip the front of my shirt, his breathing becoming uneven just like mine. Through our ragged breath, I whispered his alias name.

"Ryuzaki…"

"No Light," L said quietly. "Say my name."

"I can't…" I said, my voice was painful.

"Say it."

"I can't…I won't."

L reached up and gripped the back of my head, his fingers knotting into the locks of my hair. He forced me to look him directly in the eyes and he spoke, his eyes very serious.

"Say my name, Light Yagami."

I swallowed against a very tight throat and felt tears well up in my eyes. Finally I spoke, my voice barely above a whisper.

"L Lawliet."

L closed his eyes and for the first time, I saw a smile grace his pale lips. The sunlight that filtered through the leaves above us let patches of gold move onto L's thin face. He looked so peaceful…so _alive._

"I've always wanted to hear you say my name, Light."

My eyes tightened as my heart gave a stab of pain and sorrow. I leaned down to reclaim his lips with mine. I slid my hands up underneath his white cotton shirt, my fingers roaming his smooth stomach and chest.

"I love you, Light Yagami…" L breathed and let out a moan as my fingers brushed over one of his nipples.

I licked his lips gently with my tongue before replying. "I love you too, L Lawliet."

L smiled once more but then I began to notice something was off. His skin was becoming translucent. His whole body was fading, like smoke dissolving in the air. My eyes widened as I looked at L's fading face worriedly.

"W-What's happening!?" I asked quickly.

"You're waking up, Light."

Tears found their way back to my eyes and I was shaking my head. "No! I won't let you leave me!"

L reached up and placed a warm, fading hand on my cheek while smiling softly up at me. "I love you. I will always love you."

"I love you too…and I will never stop," I whispered through my hot tears. I let my hands caress his face, taking in everything about him before it's gone. He reached up to brush away some strands of hair from my eyes until eventually he was gone.

"NO!"

My eyes flashed open and I found myself back in L's bedroom, my body was entangled in the satin sheets. I sat up quickly and looked over. L wasn't there. His side of the bed was empty and cold. It was then that I remembered everything and I pulled my knees up to my chest, burying my face into my arms.

So it really was just a dream…but why did I still taste the sweet flavor of strawberry on my tongue? Was it from the bed sheets and their strawberry aroma? Was that really just a dream? It felt so…_real_…

"Light-kun…"

I looked up and saw L standing in front of me, his eyes hidden beneath his tangled black hair.

"L!" I cried out with joy.

I stood up and rushed over to him but when I reached him he was gone. My fingers grasped at thin air. Slowly I sank to my knees and my fists slammed into the carpeted floor.

"L…" I cried out his name again.

Perhaps it was just a dream…but the feeling of L's lips upon mine never disappeared. The strawberry taste in my mouth never vanished.

L was still with me. I just didn't know it.


End file.
